And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
