it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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