yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize