Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i was born a porn star she said
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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