After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
