I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
