Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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