He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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