giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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