Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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