how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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