her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
