I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
My first STD was from a foam party
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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