I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
