The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
