if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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