I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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