Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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