i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize