I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
