I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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