so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
