It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Is her dick bigger than yours?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
