dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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