I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
