she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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