just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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