No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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