remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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