Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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