My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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