you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
