failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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