Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
