her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
