i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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