there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
sarcasm needs its own font
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I need moral support for this bender
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
