Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
please come you make the beer taste better
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
