your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
