If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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