he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
