I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
