DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
