So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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