Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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