she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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