I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
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