well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
