My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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