I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Be still, my beating vagina.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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