Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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