You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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