my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
