I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
