I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
