Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
