I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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