Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
