As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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