Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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